A big time pleaser, that is who I used to be. It is caused by the way I grew up, my response to life events back then and since it had become an automatism. I always regarded this trait a good thing. “If you are nice to people, they will be nice to you“. Fortunately, life taught me (yes, the hard way) that that is not the case. In fact, being nice could be far more damaging than you think.
First of all, being nice could also mean compromising what you really want. This is a lot harder to discern. In this ever more confusion society, it is difficult to know what you want. And then, if someone else decides for you, and as long as it does not immediately goes against your own values, you just accommodate. Lacking an alternative, or perhaps better put, lacking the willingness to investigate alternatives, leaves a space wide open for others to occupy.
Secondly, being nice will attract a certain group of people. These individuals will perceive you as an easy-going and friendly person. So far so good, but if you both end up in a situation of conflict, the other person will most likely abuse your friendliness, consciously or subconsciously.
So considering the above, you would assume one has to stand up for oneself. And yet, I will reject that.
There is definitely merit in the statement. Standing up for oneself. Stand your ground, show your teeth! Go get them champ!
But something is missing. And that something is of vital importance.
In context of current society, standing up for yourself often means to fight. You attempt to conquer a piece of space in a very competitive environment.
You can learn to fight. You can increase your strength. You can learn to outsmart the other(s). You can train your stamina. But there is one arduous that you can not do anything about. And that is that… the rules of your fight are predefined. The rules of engagement are written in law, by societal manners, by your upbringing, by the people that surround you. This causes a great limitation to your ability to prevail.
The battle therefore, independent of outcome, comes at a huge price. Your precious life energy is used to claim a domain that has nothing to do with your true Self. Fighting to obtain something of which the social construct has decided it does not belong to you is ultimately in vain. Yes you can achieve victory, but what do you really gain? A false sense of justice? An imaginary idea of righteousness? Nothing has changed.
The only true action to pursue is to stand up for reality. To stand up for your Reality. Your Reality is higher than yourself. Standing up for yourself means to still participate in a game that you cannot win. Standing up for your Reality is to define your own rules.
It is a very challenging journey. The false notion of what one should do according to society has a very strong and appealing factor: it is crystal clear. If you surrender, you know what your path is. Society will point it out to you. Just just have to blindly follow. And deep inside, you know it is the path to your own destruction.
The path to your Reality is far more confusing and painful in the beginning. But as you begin to take steps forward, clarity enters your mind’s existence. Without fully understanding the rational part of your journey, you will be guided by your heart, step by step. And by every tiny bit forward that you take, you not only connect to your Reality, you also start to create your own Reality. And then, in time, you can truly stand up for your Reality. Effortlessly.
Photo by Aaqib Dalvi on Unsplash; Photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash;